Texas

No matter who wins the 49ers-Cowboys, Ted Cruz guaranteed we’d all lose.

With the San Francisco 49ers hosting the Dallas Cowboys in the NFL Divisional Playoffs on Sunday, California Rep. Eric Swalwell has tweeted out the offer to Texas Senator Ted Cruz.

“I’m going to bet openly on @tedcruz – if the @dallascowboys beat the @49ers, I won’t be tweeting until the end of January. If the @49ers win, you won’t be able to tweet until the end of January.” Swalwell said on Monday. How Texan are you, Ted? Deal?

Cruz did not accept Swalwell’s offer and did not negotiate terms in good faith. Rather, he responded with one of the staleest jokes in the Republican Party’s arsenal. He quoted Swalwell’s Twitter post on Tuesday and just said: “How about betting on a Chinese dinner instead?”


Cruz’s response is a reference to Swalwell’s story of a woman accused of being a Chinese spy, and it’s as tiresome as “I identify myself as [insert various unfunny item here]is a joke that some conservatives like to joke. But the biggest crime here is not in a bad comedy. And the fact that Cruz did not accept the offer of Swalwell.

Just think about it: if Cruz accepted this bet, we would be guaranteed a week without messages from either him or Swalwell. Whole week! It would be the best thing Cruz has done for the American people in his 10 years in office (the verdict seemed unfair at first, but after a bit of research, I found that Cruz only passed three of the 679 bills he passed). author, so I support it).

If you’re not sure why a week-long moratorium on Swalwell/Cruz tweets would be a blessing, let me enlighten you. These two men are arguably the most active online politicians in the country.

Swalwell once suggested to the US military would just wipe out the American population if gun owners have refused to hand over certain firearms; he has a penchant for the “my two-year-old just said a very important thing” convention that abounds on Twitter; and he called on those who were angered by Kyle Rittenhouse’s acquittal to assuage their anger by – you guessed it – voting. He also often gets into fights with other users, including Susan Sarandon, and likes to post pictures of the vile and obscene threats he claims to receive as a result of his work.

As for Cruz, who was the most active Twitter user in the US Senate last year, the man is so bad at posting that Jezabel has compiled a list of the worst tweets he has written in 2022 alone. Some highlights from this list include sesame street explosion for encouraging young children to be vaccinated; make fun of President Joe Biden for a vacation trip (shortly after his own vacation scandal); and some very unfunny memes. The only downside to Cruz’s Twitter hiatus is that we might have missed another moment like the one in 2017 when Cruz’s account liked the September 11th porn tweet of all days (he claims it was done by an employee).

Whichever team wins on Sunday, Cruz’s refusal to accept Swalwell’s offer means one thing: we will all lose.





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